“I love this because night time, in bed and when the children are sleeping is when hubby and I have the most connecting experiences. I honestly think it is one of those things that keep us so in love and intimate. It is hard during the bustle of family and working life, but those times are the greatest.”
It is this personal thought of one of our editorial team members that culminated in compiling this article.
Expressing our needs and staying emotionally connected are essential to healthy married life. There is a mechanism of deep feelings of attachment after love making which is naturally wired in human beings, especially women. Most men tend to drift off after play, but with a little gentle pillow talk, you might be able to improve your relationship and your family life.
There are three main brain chemicals that work to bring long-term couples closer together after the act: oxytocin and vasopressin — known as the attachment hormones — and dopamine, the reward chemical. According to studies, this cocktail of chemicals evolved to enable couples to bond long enough to raise at least one infant together. In other words, pair-bonding provides motivation to share parental chores, which benefits offspring. Evolutionarily speaking, romantic attachment is a good thing for the human race.
Scientists have recently discovered that parts of men’s brains shut off after play—specifically their prefrontal cortex—which can cause drowsiness. This is not surprising to many couples, but apparently that, combined with the release of hormones like prolactin, has a profound sleep-inducing effect for men. An extreme pleasure might make a man feel closer to his mate, but it also acts like a very pleasant sleeping pill. In short, if he falls asleep, don’t take it personally: It’s not you, it’s his prefrontal cortex. And his inability to answer questions can also be seen as very good feedback — he liked to play with you so much that he’s completely knocked out. He also may just need a 10-minute nap instead of falling into deep sleep — you could talk to him when he wakes up from that, refreshed.
If you’re strategic, and don’t take his grogginess to heart, you can use the post-act period to your advantage. Here’s what to bring up, and what not to, while you’re pillow-talking post-play.
What not to say
- “I’m really irritated about this thing you do all the time.”
- “I thought I asked you to fix that crack in the ceiling.”
- “That was great, darling, but last time was better.”
- “I’m looking for ways to improve; will you fill out this customer-service questionnaire?”
- “And now for your performance review…”
What to say
- “God, I love the way you kissed my neck/did that thing with your tongue/used your hands like that.”
- “You’re really good at this.”
- “Your face is so adorable.”
- “I like the way you smell/feel/look/sound.”
- Any compliment that starts with his name
- “You know what I wish?”
- “Let’s go on vacation/go to dinner/start a project together.”
If ever there was a time to bond with your mate, it is the time right after your love making. The chemicals released by the body will bring a unique vulnerability to both of you. It is best to keep it positive — you’re both open in many ways. If you’re feeling safe, it can also be a time to bring up sensitive subjects — but only because you’re both feeling open and trusting. If you sense he is not ready, don’t push it; remember, it’s all about keeping the mood intimate and comfortable.
Let’s check out 10 different categories of pleasurable talk to enhance your lovemaking experience.
- Pleasurable appreciation and validation: Honey, your timing is exquisite. You take my breath away!
- Energizing questioning: Baby, where on your body would you like me to trace the words ‘I love you”? And would you like me to use my fingers, my lips, my tongue or some other writing tool?
- Creative ways to let your lover know how you’re enjoying his or her lovemaking. “Your tongue right there sends ripples of energy all over my body.” “I love the way you sigh when I caress you.”
- Playful requests (expressing your wants and needs in ways that arouse your partner). I’d just love it if you’d slowly run your fingers through my hair.
- Playful nurturing: Sweetheart, just breathe into the warmth of my hands, and let me take care of you like this…..and this….and this.
- Fantasizing (provocative phrases to encourage sensual fantasy-sharing). “I want to delve into those hidden places in your mind, where you keep your most intimate fantasies, those secret images you may have never shared with anyone before. Let me delight in your wonderful imagination.”
- Power play (words of dominance and surrender). Dominance: I want you to open and surrender completely to me, everywhere I touch you. Surrender: I’m all yours.
- Playful disclosure (sensual ways to express vulnerable feelings related to your sensuality). Honey, I really need you to hold me like this. It means so much to me.
- Wonderful devotion, communion and commitment (passionate ways to express deep feelings of love and a profound sense of connection.
“Sweetheart, I treasure the sheer bliss you bring to my body, my heart and my soul. I ‘m so honored to be your lover and your life partner.”
Hopefully, some of these phrases have inspired you to find the words that most accurately express your own feelings and desires. Meanwhile, always remember words are wonderful aphrodisiacs. With words you can stimulate the pleasure centers in your partner’s mind so they send shivers of sensual delight through his entire body. With words you can help her become more relaxed and receptive to your touch. With words you can ignite his wonderful imagination or lift her to the heights of unbridled passion. And with words you can melt the barriers that may be keeping you and your lover from experiencing the profound joy of a sacred union.